and

i feel like i know everything about you,
but have so much more to learn.

do what you have to do,

and

i will be here waiting when you're ready.

an aching fixture.

is it alright
to be so in love with somebody,
your heart aches

fortyfive.

forever.
it's everything i can give

godmother!

today was awesome.

1. i started my book the other day, and unlike every other time i've started writing a book, this morning i woke up and picked right back up where i left off - a sure sign that i'm actually interested in this one! i'm super excited about it.

2. i didn't want to have to go to work at alllllll tonight. i closed last night, i've been working since last friday with no day off. i didn't want to shiftlead. and on top of everything i got the dreaded table at 12:30 when our kitchen closes at 1. i was nice, of course, hoping against hope that i would get out of work at a decent hour. they were a party of 8 and had gratuity on their check, as our policy states. then, they left me $40 over grat! it was amazing. they were such nice people.

3. i get to be a godmother! my cousin asked me to be the godmother to his 8 month old daughter, Prema. i am so so so excited!! i was just thinking about how i wonder if i'll ever be someone's godmother or confirmation sponsor, or maid of honor, or anything of importance in a big ceremony like that, and now i will be! on october 17th i will get to become prema's godmother! it's super exciting and i'm absolutely honored.

4. i am off tomorrow - no work for me!

on the downside, i did cut my finger pretty deeply tonight at work and it's really bothering me now, so i'm going to stop typing and get some sleep!

heart.head.soul.song

this is my heart

this is my heart. it is a good heart.

bones and a membrane of mist and fire
are the woven cover.
when we make love in the flower world
my heart is close enough to sing
to yours in a language that has no use
for clumsy human words.

my head is a good head, but it is a hard head
and it whirs inside with a swarm of worries.
what is the source of this singing, it asks
and if there is a source why can't i see it
right here, right now
as real as these hands hammering
the world together
with nails and sinew?

this is my soul. it is a good soul.
it tells me, "come here forgetful one."
and we sit together with a lilt of small winds
who rattle the scrub oak.
we cook a little something
to eat: a rabbit, some sofkey
then a sip of something sweet
for memory.

this is my song. it is a good song.
it walked forever the border of fire and water
climbed ribs of desire to my lips to sing to you.
its new wings quiver with
vulnerability.

come lie next to me, says my heart.
put your head here.
it is a good thing, says my soul.

: joy harjo

daddy's shoes.

there i was, all of three and a half feet tall, spinning around and around and around. i worried about scuffing my daddy’s shiny new shoes or losing my balance, but when i tried to even focus on one particular thing outside our private circle, my eyes fluttered under the weight of the air and i could only laugh. i laughed and laughed and laughed at the silliness of it all, the simplicity of happiness that occurred when my five year old self was able to dance on the tips of my father’s shoes and feel alive. when the song ended, my dad reached down and lifted me up so i was the tallest person in the room and everyone looked into my sparkling hazel eyes and for a split second, or at least i like to believe, they felt like i did, like irish music can change the mood, like the slowest dance can be turned into an upbeat jig, and like being my father’s daughter was the biggest honor, and it was all mine.

071606

memory is a way of holding onto the things you love,
the things you are,
and the things you never want to lose.

the wonder years

if you eat out, read this.

a few pointers:
1. most servers/bartenders do not make the $7.15 that is minimum wage. in fact, most corporate workers make only $4.60 which is then TAXED by the tips we have to declare at the end of the night. so, when you have a check over the price of $22.00 do not drop a "five dolla holla" and leave. take the time to look at the TAX at the bottom of your bill, double it, and the add two dollars. if you do not do this, you represent ignorance. it is not 1960, and we cannot even live off of a 15% tip these days. wise up to your surroundings. granted we are in a recession, but if you can afford to eat out, be aware that this is your server's job and they should be able to afford to eat out too.
2. do not be rude to the people who handle your food. are you really THAT dumb? if you are, please go rent the movie "waiting" and understand that it is a corporate restaurant! they got the idea for the movie from a chain restaurant many people find themselves frequenting. chew over that bit on information and be nice to your server next time.
3. a TIP does not mean a piece of advice. it means a payment for being at your beck and call and running around for everything you may need for 45 minutes. if you overdue the necessary extra napkins, extra honey mustard, take it into consideration that you might want to leave a few extra dollars.
4. introduce yourself to your local diner. if you happen to get hungry after midnight, do not come to the corporate restaurant on the corner where the servers are cleaning up, the kitchen is closing, and the bartenders are cranky. go to the diner where you can always get a handy cheeseburger and be as loud as you want.
5. EMERGENCY EXIT means EMERGENCY EXIT. it does not mean - EXIT HERE WHEN TOO LAZY TO WALK TO FRONT ENTRANCE. you're already consuming enough calories to last you four out of the seven day week. the extra walking won't kill you.
6. stop bringing your newborn children out after midnight and sitting at at bar to consume massive amounts of alcohol just because you couldn't drink for nine months. it is not a healthy lifestyle to be bringing children up in.
7. if, at the end of your meal, you tell your server they were the greatest server you've ever had or anything along those lines - ask to see a manager to relay the compliment to. it does no good just telling the server, the manager needs to hear it. and then you need to tip - BIGTIME. if you're not up to these two tasks - save your breath. your compliments mean nothing to us.
8. when you order an alcoholic drink from a corporate restaurant, the bartenders put as much alcohol into the drink as is allowed. if you ask us to bring it back to put a liiiittle bit more in, we will take it to the bar and stand there long enough for you to think we're "helping you out" when really we're not doing anything. it makes our day when we bring the drink back to you (totally untouched) and you tell us it's "much better!" thank you to those people. other than that - if you order a mai tai don't expect to be wowed by the liquor content. if you're looking for said reaction - stick with a long island iced tea.
9. stop pretending it's your birthday. we're going to start asking for id.

sometimes.

sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. you never know who these people may be, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

the people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. even the bad experiences can be learned from. in fact, they are sometimes the most important ones.

if someone loves you, give love back to them in whatever way you can, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. if someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

make every day count. appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again. talk to people that you have never talked to before, and listen to what they have to say.

let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. hold your head up because you have every right to. tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

you can make anything you wish of your life. create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. and if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.

learn a lesson in life each day that you live. today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.

was it worth it?

let's go yankees.

take me out to the ball game,
take me out with the crowd.
buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks,
i don't care if i never get back;
cause it's root, root, root for the home team,
if they don't win it's a shame.
cause it's one, two, three strikes, you're out
at the old ball game.

bikini season.

i feel like a lot of people are obsessed with being skinny-minnies to the point where it's just plain old not healthy anymore. yes we are america - the land of fast food and free refills, but it shouldn't be so horrendous to your health. eat smaller portions, swap soda for water and cookies for fruits. seriously, it's not all that bad. and don't always be looking at hollywood for your role models - because that's well, hollywood - the land of air brush and plastic surgery. be proud of being a plain jane. there is nothing wrong with your size! the only reason people should be worried about their weight should be their health. it's absolutely ridiculous for tweens and teens to be talking about wanting to see their ribs in their bikinis! and women of all ages are battling size 8 and size 10 jeans for what?! if your proportions don't match up exactly to that of those model standards, so what. love your curves, embrace them, wear flattering clothes. it is not hard to work with your body type, but you should get to know your body type before you self-destruct in an attempt to fit into a size 2 skinny jean that a 12 year old probably can't fit into. don't let the media feed you bad press about your size, love yourself for you who are - big bones, curvy hips, and all.

filler, baby.

i just drove down ocean parkway blasting 'your favorite weapon' from my speakers and singing at the top of my lungs - and it was the greatest feeling ever. it's liberating, you know, singing your heart out to emptiness, to nobody, to the night sky and the cool air. it frees the mind. i immediately felt relieved, like nothing could bring me down. for the duration of 12 amazing tracks i was a rockstar. i drove through an intense fog and the only thing that kept me grounded in reality was the smell of the ocean, almost thick with low tide - you know, when you can taste the jellyfish in your mouth if you breathe in really deep. this is what home is to me - a three lane highway leading to a lighted monument that symbolizes the beaches of southern new york, the smells of summer wafting in through air conditioning vents even though it's still cold enough to leave the dial in the heat section, and good old long island bred brand new.

words to govern by.

as long as war is regarded as wicked,
it will always have its fascination.
when it is looked upon as vulgar,
it will cease to be popular.
Oscar Wilde

AUSTRALIA

so, i am finally living up to my own expectations and traveling! i leave for australia on april 27 for three weeks! three magnificent weeks of traveling around, seeing the sights, swimming the other oceans, and saying g'day mate. i cannot wait! experiencing life outside the box, living the way the other half lives - you know, always in the sun, surfing and sand boarding, seeing koalas and kangaroos like it's no big deal. hahaha! how incredible! a totally different way of living. i will be flying into sydney, going to perth to see the fam, adelaide, kangaroo island (!), back to sydney for monica's 21st birthday extravaganza, then to surf camp (!), brisbane, surfer's paradise, newcastle, and back to sydney to fly home. i'm still in shock that i just booked the flights, that i said screw the money, and am finally doing something i want to do when i want to do it. taking the semester off school was the greatest decision i've ever made. it put my life totally in perspective, allowed me to make some extra money, see countries and continents i maybe never would have seen, and really appreciate school. i will of course be going back in september, then hopefully going abroad myself next spring! then i will be a college graduate, entering this pitiful economy on my own, but at least i'll have some amazing stories!

a little girl.

once upon a time, there was a little girl. her entire world revolved around her family - a big irish family. at the head of that family was her grandmother. nan as she was referred to was the brick, the cornerstone, the foundation. this little girl looked up to her nan as if she were a celebrity walking the red carpet in a dior gown with harry winston jewels. nan told the best stories - whether it was in her living room with the fireplace blazing or on the edge of the sea, all the elements of the world seemed to listen in to her stories; she had the attention of all - even god. her ghost stories kept the little girl awake all night, and her comedies kept her laughing for hours. nan's house always smelled like a fresh bakery. she was constantly piercing pie crusts with forks and molding scones with her wrinkled hands. the little girl and all her cousins would pile into the tiny kitchen in the little white irish cottage and hold out their hands for the best goods. a little piece of heaven went into nan and came out in everything she baked. well, the little girl grew up, and as all things do - nan's life came to an end. her stories are echoing off the east coast of the united states, 3,000 miles away from where they began, on the west coast of ireland. she can be found in the creases in the corners of the little girl's eyes, in her working hands, and in her heart. the bakery is no longer open, but the memory of the smell is something she wakes up to every morning. she knows her nan is telling the same stories and keeping her new audience well fed in the freshest of fields with the ocean roaring out her front window. the little girl, all grown up, can only hope her stories will be as remembered and honored - that little girl, is me.

good morning.

hello dear world,
today is a marvelous day. you ever get that feeling when you wake up that everything is perfect. you put on a pair of crappy old ripped jeans, the perfect stretched sweater, and old converse sneakers and walk outside into the crisp cold wintery air, and everything is perfect. so many days just go by without people noticing them. so do something today - help someone out, do something you've never done, go grocery shopping, volunteer your time, anything. AND most importantly, go green & stay green because our planet is our responsibility and we're taking it for granted. Refuse plastic bags, recycle, reuse plastic water bottles after cleaning them instead of constantly buying new ones, remember all the little things you can do to keep our planet healthy. go and enjoy this great thursday!

free falling.

well, i may not be you and you not me, but between us there are certain similarities. like i believe in love, and the devil will come looking for us, if we wrong someone. freedom, is ours to hold. it's just a struggle in your mind to keep your soul, keep your soul. and it's old, yes it's old. it's just a struggle in your mind to keep your soul. well, how long you're down depends how you rise. and life has a meaning, so open your eyes. the seeds that we speed into life to be trees, will soon become fallen if their roots aren't deep.
- the beautiful girls

don't be afraid of the future. no matter what your age is, you're never too young or too old to start over. don't get caught up in the here and now, let the pieces fall as they may. heartache or heartbreak - it's gonna happen. life keeps going but life's stories begin and end as they may. trust that you are perfect, that everything that is meant to be happening is happening, and that in the end everything truly will be ok. believe in yourself and your inner strength, even if nobody else is willing to accept it. freedom is something people fight for everyday, and it's sitting right on the edge of the sky's horizon. you can almost reach out and touch it - it looks like nothing, but it is everything. so, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and jump.

if all the snowflakes were candy bars & milkshakes.

i make a list of my favorite words. some may say it's tacky, but it's something important to me. i only pick words that have a meaning beyond their definition, that strike me somewhere i can't even recognize. one of these words is "snow." it's a magical word. it creates visions in the minds of children about a far away place with a man in a big red suit, little elves, and so many presents their hearts could explode; it creates visions of multiple car pileups on the expressway to worrisome parents and commuters who sit in those lines of traffic thinking about the slush and the amount of shoveling awaiting them at home. two completely opposite meanings and one simple word. the past couple of days, new york has been experiencing its fair share of snowfall, which the 5 year old in me loves of course. but on top of that, it was the perfect snowfall, the kind that's light and powdery but strong enough to build a snowman with; the kind that falls ever so eloquently coating front lawns and trees to look like picturesque photos in glossy magazines. the best part is the very beginning of a snowfall when you stand outside, look up at the sky struggling to keep your eyes open, stick out your tongue and catch the little flakes all while spinning madly around in circles. that fresh smell of frosted water opens all five senses and suddenly, it's ok for parents to be laying beside their children making snow angels. this is why i love the snow. i love that my little home on long island is coated with the perfect snowfall and i am safe inside my own little snowglobe.

change of plans.

we all come to points in our lives that cause us to wreck our brains to come up with the "right" answer. these crossroads are supposed to be what help turn us into who we are meant to become - whatever that means. well, i think i'm at one of those crossroads. i know it's not smart, but i think i'm going to take this semester off. yes every college kid dreams of taking a year off and going abroad with a giant camouflage backpack, living in hostels, and smoking pot out in public in amsterdam, but this is not exactly what i mean by taking a semester off. i just feel lost - i transferred to fordham last spring from BU and everything fell apart academically (mentally i was totally back to normal.) they wouldn't take BU classes and BU didn't have a core and now i'm behind in classes i can't register myself for because i'm a junior and not a freshman so why would i be trying to register for a 100-level course and blah blah blah. basically, i'm getting bumped out of classes i need to take that are conflicting with classes i have to take for my major all while dealing with the union scholarship and two parents who think college is the shit - of course, neither of them went to college so it really must be this perfect haven in their minds. but to me.. it's not! it's the exact opposite. i sit in boring classes fulfilling requirements - who made up those requirements by the way? what english/creative writing major needs to take FIVE SEMESTERS of SPANISH!?!? it's ludicrous.

whoa, way off tangent. back to my life changing decision that will probably seem so trivial when i'm approaching my midlife crisis: do i take the semester off and "find myself" or do i suck it up and deal with classes. don't get me wrong, i love school - meeting new people and new professors, learning, textbooks, the whole shebang. i just, i don't know, i'm not feeling it right now? does that make any sense?

maybe i'll take a semester off and write the next great american novel and then in spring 2010 they'll be teaching ME in my own class! genius.

phresh start.

a new year means new beginnings. we can all finally let go of the mistakes of 2008 - the drunken hook-ups, the parking tickets, the fake friendships that got us through the holidays. i didn't make a new year's resolution this year because nobody ever keeps them. they're just like some made up tradition someone thought would be a good idea, but totally wasn't. actually, i guess you could say i have a resolution - but it's not for the new year; it's for the every day: to stop letting life get in the way of dreams. i really over analyze everything from what color i should paint my nails to what major i should declare - you know, red polish chips easily and is very noticeable and journalism isn't really going to make me any money but here i am typing away on my macbook with my chipped red nails - oh the irony. i want to stop thinking so much. i think thinking so much takes the fun out of things, takes the element of surprise away, and dries up the spontaneity. so, hopefully i'll succeed.. here's hoping.

anyway, my advice for this great 2009 is to do something for yourself. keep in mind that this is the first and last 2009, this is the be all and end all of 2009's anybody will ever witness! alright, so you don't have to get that in depth, but seriously, it is pretty awesome to think that we get to live this amazing year that will end in 365 days and never exist again. remember that you are the most important person in the world - honestly. without you, life would be less interesting.